Posted in Establishment of Self, LGBT Coming Out, LGBT Couples, LGBT Families

Out and Staying.

I hope I can articulate this with the words needed. This is personal and my personal leads to the public person most see fighting for the improvement of mental health for the LGBTQ community. Feel free not to read. First, I must pause and thank all the individuals tunknownhat helped or hated me along the way.

Both were bumper pads that I bounced around on, creating who I am.

Each child /teen I help in the LGBTQ community I think, ‘that is one that might be able to do it different. With a healthy perspective they can move forward not with the narrow mindedness of ‘I’ but with that of ‘I am a part of….”

 I fell in love in the 80’s but instead of being able to just say to myself or others, “I am in love” or “this is who I am in love with” (mind you, they were straight and did not know) I started my spinning. Being a good person, people would step in to be a friend or to have a relationship with me and they to would be pulled into the spinning. In my head I truly believed; If they saw me they would never REALLY love me.

I hurt many people as I was trying to claw my way out of my own skin. I own that.

I was blessed with a son. Being a Mother, being his mother, was more important than anything else in life. He saved me on a daily basis. His smile. His giggle. His unconditional love. I had so much growing up still to do. Losing him was not an option. EVER. I would have become anything I needed to in order to keep that boy.

I thought, ok, I will be gay in private and straight is public. As long as I am honest with him and myself I am doing the right thing. I looked like I had it together. I gave my son the responsibility of loving me as me and had to hope that would be enough. He saw me split myself open and try to find the parts that were really mine.


I remember a conversation with him, my mom, and myself (this was years ago) when I was going to try to do it the RIGHT way. I just wanted peace and a life like others had. I wanted to pay taxes as a family, have insurance, go on vacations and have family dinners. You know the things that all gay people with children, at that time, had to hide. Anyway, I had dated a couple of guys as an adult. I tried, I did. We had fun but nothing on the inside was real. Anyway, the three of us are sitting there and she said (this is as close to what she said as I can remember), “ I had just hoped you know that you could keep trying to be straight.” Before I could say anything, because I did love my mother and my son and if I could; I would have, My son says (as close as I can remember) , “ She is gay Grandma. She tried. It is weird to ask her to be something else.”

I was choking on self-hatred and when I looked up my self-hatred had broken the hearts of people around me. I did this pattern over and over again until I was ready to just love myself as myself.

I dare to say when I came out of the closet no one really even had a reason to still be standing there. Some were however. Unconditional love is a crazy thing.

I had to do a lot of cleaning. My social skills were awful. I did not know how to interact with people honestly. Just like in an alcoholic life; I had spent years playing the role society told me to be in order to keep my son and I had mastered it, I thought.

When my mom died. I had already been working for years on getting healthy and was proud of the growth. When she died it was the moment I could not do fake. I could not do politically correct. I could not carry anything or anyone. I was raw and broken again. This time I realized it was not in a bad way. I have been blessed with the powerful and scary freedom of being responsible for my actions. Alone. I had to decide. Everyday. Will I try to respect that today? I let go and picked up the pieces of my life.

I work with teens in hopes that they don’t have to choke on self-hatred for being gay or live in a closet. I don’t want them to spend years clawing their way out.

Instead teens, I hope that you understand; this is who you are. Pick up the coat and get out of the closet. If you like wearing it, great, but if not then put it back and get another. Society is not responsible for which one you wear. You are. I hope that being responsible for your actions make you proud. I hope the actions that don’t make you proud, you work to correct. I hope that you want to be responsible because what you have been taught; to love yourselves and others as they are.

I am sharing this piece of my story because I can not stand quietly and pretend that there is not a real issue in front of us. I know what self shame, societal shame and bigotry feels and looks like. I don’t want that for our youth.

The wheels of hatred are in motion again towards the LGBTQ community. There will be losses and pain. I want to be standing anywhere but in the closet against it.

Much Respect,

Melinda Porter

http://www.melindaporter.com

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Posted in Uncategorized

Did I. “Mother’s Day Thoughts”

As we move through the days of the weeks in the months of the year that might be the most important year of ‘their’ lives, we stop and ask ourselves; DID I? Good Morning Moms, On this Mother’s Day I wanted to say thank you for helping your children grow up mentally healthy. Reaching this goal […]

via Did I. “Mother’s Day Thoughts” — Working With the Present Day Family

Posted in Transgender

Can We ‘Fix Society’ Without More Death

The deaths of transgender teens are continuing to go in the wrong direction. I work with teens that are questioning their gender, wanting information about transitioning or needing direction on how to wait until they are old enough to transition. They battle social sets of fitting in; not just with clothes, personality, music, or age as most teens deal with but with GENDER.

 Which bathroom? Which outfit? Which team? Which dressing room?

 What if I fit into both genders or none????

 The desire to fit or to understand one’s self is what every teen deals with but we ask these kids to not explore that question. It is too weird or uncomfortable.  The messaging to these kids is you can think it and we can talk about it later but if you feel the need to say something or not wear what is fitting for your gender; we have a problem.

Transgender teens struggle with being able to do day-to-day activities because they can not get past the basics in their head.

8baf68e2ee56c2df1fc47f767219a225What am I???

 When parents and friends ask you to ignore who your head announces you are, it seems confusing. What are the guidelines to be who they want you to be? When a teen admits they do not know who they are in their own skin how are they to be someone they are SURE that they are not? Confused?

 Welcome to the world of gender questions.

 Tiptoeing around the question of gender is like tiptoeing around where people belonged on the bus. Maybe gender is becoming less of an issue in the younger generation. Years ago we decided that women could wear pants. Today we face can men wear a dress? Why is the reverse less important?

Healthy relationships are respectful and built on increased communications. It might not be the conversation you had hope to have with your child, but like sex, drugs, boyfriends, girlfriends, college, make-up, money or cars; gender is one we can not be afraid of. If you run from the conversation our teens suffer. Our teens make decision alone and from a place of understanding only at a cognitive ability of a teen.

 As adults, parents, or counselors we have to step just past our personal comfort zones.

 Much Respect,

Melinda C. Porter, LPC

817-733-7206

Melinda@MelindaPorter.com

Melinda@mcpcounseling.com

Posted in Establishment of Self

The Secret or Life.

As you move through your day, where is your focus?

"LIFE"
“LIFE”

Working within the LGBT community, I sometimes find that the focus is on secrets instead of life. This allows for the secrets to have all the power.

What would happen if you allowed life to be the focus?

The LGBT community is learning how to interact socially instead of locked behind closed-door. This is difficult but healthy. It is also a new level of responsibility. Don’t push issues under the rug because no one wants to even know who those issues are with. Hurting alone about relationships that no one even saw as real can be dangerous. It leads to confusion and minimizes the importance of your connections and processing the emotions. How will you move forward with all that pain wrapped around you?

Instead of all your energy being used to keep a secret, allow yourself to move pass the secret. That does not mean you have to blurt out, “I”M GAY”  or “SHE STOLE MY TWINKIE” or MY PARTNER IS GONE” but if the moment arises and you need to. then do so. It will be comfortable something and uncomfortable others.

Living in away that is safe and respectful of self is key!

Find the pieces of your puzzle that make your outside self and inside self congruent. Stay away from non-responsible statement. The government, your mother, your dad, or your boss do not determine how you treat your partner and children. Unless your goal is to put the focus somewhere other than where the real work is. Self growth. Self respect.

Families, friends, and pets do not just disappear anymore in the LGBT relationship breakdown. They are more present and feel the pain of their gay loved ones. They may not know what to say and you may not know how to answer but allow them to help you see the relationship as real and important to process.

In giving “life” the power instead of the secrets; you develop self-worth and growth!

Much Respect,

Melinda Porter

817.733.7206

Posted in Transgender

Transgender Children

IMG_5429

Do you know the gender or the assigned sex of this child? Is there a difference in those?

Years ago I thought babies were born male or female.  I’ve learned over my life time that this is not the case.  A group called, “Gender Infinity” is doing an excellence job of educating  therapists and parents about what gender really means. I visited one of their conferences this week and am overflowing with information.

Gender Diverse children can also be referred to as gender non-conforming. Gender non-conforming children are gifted with an innocence in their processing; to them they can only be who they sense they are. Some feel they are internally different then the external picture, expressing a cross-gender identity. Can it be that simple?  It is when we, as their support system, confirm with actions of rejection or acceptance  that they connect the meaning of right or wrong. We create the environment for them to explore life in.

It is common for transgender children to come out as Lesbian, gay, or bisexual first trying to find the fit that they need. Many times feeling that the hair and clothes change is good but not enough. Hormone blockers are sometime used in pre-puberty to allow the child time to process what gender they are and avoid some possible future surgeries. Most people at this point just loss their breathe; it is ok!

These are REVERSIBLE. It simply pauses the onset.

I have worked with children for years now and knowing that they have the possibility to be comfortable in their own skin from the beginning is incredible!

As I learn, I will pass on the information! If you have time, look up the Group Gender Infinity~They are crazy wonderful! I’m here to help if you need more information.

We stand in the moment of our potential to move forward and ability to understand~ 

Much Respect,

Melinda C. Porter

Posted in LGBT Families

Picture This. LGBT Family.

What does your family look like? IMG_5663

Do you have beautiful frames but not sure what the pictures should look like inside them?

The spirit of the LGBT community has always made me smile. As the years have passed,  I see families and wonder what will their frame look like? How will they put the family together? What if you decide to frame the pictures you see, the family you want to have?    ~I think it is possible~

Create pictures that fill your world with joy! As you walk around your house / look at your FaceBook; do you  confirm or deny who you truly are? A division of self can have a ripple effect on your ability to connect with new people. If you are always one of many versions of yourself then you are never just you!

Over two decades ago I started seeing me, not the me that other saw but the me that I can smile at in the mirror. As I have found her she has saved me.

Building relationships based on honesty and truth; not always exciting stuff but very real.

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What part of your picture do you see as you?

* Start to build the family you want. Start with just seeing the picture in the frame.

* What are the possibilities for you today to add to or create part of the frame? Build your frame with courage, strength, understanding, and flexibility.

* Not everyone likes their picture taken, so be patience with those you love. Maybe let them have a frame of their own for a while that is on the same table! 😉

* Your picture is beautiful~ LGBT families are full of love that needs to be hung up for others to see. Years of joy and happiness that screams, “Your Future is possible” to the next generation.

Much Respect,

Melinda Porter

Posted in Establishment of Self

What Does a LGBT Person Look Like?

How do you see yourself?

rainbow eye

What pair of eyes do you use to determine who you are?

With all that is going on in the LGBT community, I ask, how do you see yourself. What does it mean to you that in some countries, even a tourist can be arrested for being openly gay or how do you deal with legal issue about marriage from state to state in the USA. Over the decades, the world ebbs and flows, looking at one thing and seeing something different. History shows, we as the human race are continually redefining the understanding of what freedom is. Questioning why color, sex, sexual orientation, or shade of your hair has so much power. At the end of the day, what does a LGBT person look like?

Horns, pink, blue, worthwhile, sweet, mean, fem, butch, ugly, beautiful? When you look in the mirror, who do you see?

There is a person in there, in that face that looks back at you in the mirror. A being that holds the power to personal understanding and growth.

Strength, flexibility, patience…that is what I see! How many years did you live knowing the secret but told no one? How many uncomfortable situations where you placed in because of your sexuality ? How long have you waited to fall in love?

Find your you. What do you want in your life? YOU get to decide what a LGBT person looks like! If you are tired of living in fear of not fitting in, know that everyone does not fit somewhere~ so find your fit.

Some Thoughts to move you forward~

* Enjoy the places that work for you.

* Create your ‘self’ not as one single dimension but as you, wonderful from the inside out, not just a person that has a different sexual orientation.

* Start seeing the peace within yourself, there is enough to worry about in other systems that will be effecting you. Make seeking out peace for the inside a priority.

Much Respect,

Melinda Porter